Thoughts from this week.

23 Nov

There has been a lot of loss in the last year or so. Up until the beginning of 2013, I had not experienced much death. Grandparents. Another elderly relative. 2013 and 2014 saw the loss of darling Jack, my best friend’s father, a much loved colleague, a dear friends twin sister, another friends daughter. My own beautiful Tilda. Each death wrong and before the expected time. Sometimes I feel quite numb to all this loss. I recite the names and cannot process how they are actually gone. Forever?
*************
I am lying in bed awake. I can’t sleep. It’s been a fraught day and my mind won’t settle. I’ve been going through photos and videos. I’ve been trying to recapture the feeling of a Tilda hug. I’m remembering how hard it was. How frustrated I got. I wish I could go back and change some things. Do better. Even in those last days I wish I had done more. Practical things like making sure her tongue was not dry.
I wish that I had washed her body after she died. Sometimes I feel so fucking rational. Unable to let go with the passion and ferocity that would feel like a release. Wailing. Screaming. Ranting.
Writing soothes. Takes the twisted thoughts and sets them down.
This year has gone too fast.
******************
I am having a day to myself. A bit of pampering. Prettying and fortifying myself for Sunday. Placement is over. A sense of relief but also a what now?
Maggie has been a bit unwell. Old anxieties rear up. She is snuggly and cheery aside from her hot head and refusal to eat. This morning no fever. Relief.
***************
Devastated to hear about the death of the cricketer Phil Hughes. I’m so sad for his family and friends. So sudden and unexpected. Feel desperately sorry for the bowler too. My thoughts are with all affected.
**************
I miss her. I missed her when she was here. Our grief began with that first seizure by the pool. Our grief will change and morph and have moments of intensity but it will never be gone. She will never be gone.

I miss that smile.

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10 Responses to “Thoughts from this week.”

  1. FiFi November 28, 2014 at 11:57 am #

    Sending love Laura xoxoxo Fiona

  2. Danielle November 28, 2014 at 12:04 pm #

    You cover me in goosebumps every time. I can’t wait to give you a cuddle.

    xx

  3. Irene November 28, 2014 at 3:02 pm #

    If I could take this sadness away Laura I would. If it was as easy as getting a box, some tape and pretty paper for a finish I would. If I could even ease this overwhelming time ti just a “whelming” time I would. I can think of You, Simon, Maggie and all of the other hurting people, sending all hugs, love, warm thoughts and permission to yell, scream, hit, swear, cry and weep and weep and weep until everything is sodden then weep some more. We are not alone with our grief, there is a small part of each of Us with the Other, propping us for a little while, holding and hugging us, just keeping us until the next wave and the ones that come after. I am with you Lovely Laura, just propping with a hug sent with bulk heaps of love OOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  4. Scott November 29, 2014 at 1:03 am #

    Heartbreaking

  5. Cally November 29, 2014 at 4:58 am #

    Sending you love and support. xx

    • Jennifer in Californiax November 29, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

      Thank you Laura for sharing. I miss reading so much about Tilda, so thank you for keeping her beauty and love alive for us. That smile is so precious. You are too.

  6. Karen Nichols November 29, 2014 at 10:48 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful honest words. Sending love across the miles

  7. Anne Bunting November 30, 2014 at 12:48 pm #

    Sending you all our love especially for what will be such a difficult day for you today. Anne

  8. Katrina Varcoe-Cocks November 30, 2014 at 1:30 pm #

    Hi Laura, I’m sorry we won’t be able to make it to share today with you. I know you’ll be surrounded by lots of love and support. So many of us are constantly touched by you and even though we’re all ‘busy’ with life, you guys and Tilda are in our thoughts so,so often. I hope that gives you some comfort on the days that you need a little more support.
    Lots and lots of hugs as always, Treen, Pete and the boys xxx

  9. Anonymous November 30, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

    Thinking of you today, and everyday.

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