Archive | November, 2014

Thoughts from this week.

23 Nov

There has been a lot of loss in the last year or so. Up until the beginning of 2013, I had not experienced much death. Grandparents. Another elderly relative. 2013 and 2014 saw the loss of darling Jack, my best friend’s father, a much loved colleague, a dear friends twin sister, another friends daughter. My own beautiful Tilda. Each death wrong and before the expected time. Sometimes I feel quite numb to all this loss. I recite the names and cannot process how they are actually gone. Forever?
I am lying in bed awake. I can’t sleep. It’s been a fraught day and my mind won’t settle. I’ve been going through photos and videos. I’ve been trying to recapture the feeling of a Tilda hug. I’m remembering how hard it was. How frustrated I got. I wish I could go back and change some things. Do better. Even in those last days I wish I had done more. Practical things like making sure her tongue was not dry.
I wish that I had washed her body after she died. Sometimes I feel so fucking rational. Unable to let go with the passion and ferocity that would feel like a release. Wailing. Screaming. Ranting.
Writing soothes. Takes the twisted thoughts and sets them down.
This year has gone too fast.
I am having a day to myself. A bit of pampering. Prettying and fortifying myself for Sunday. Placement is over. A sense of relief but also a what now?
Maggie has been a bit unwell. Old anxieties rear up. She is snuggly and cheery aside from her hot head and refusal to eat. This morning no fever. Relief.
Devastated to hear about the death of the cricketer Phil Hughes. I’m so sad for his family and friends. So sudden and unexpected. Feel desperately sorry for the bowler too. My thoughts are with all affected.
I miss her. I missed her when she was here. Our grief began with that first seizure by the pool. Our grief will change and morph and have moments of intensity but it will never be gone. She will never be gone.

I miss that smile.


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