The Tilda Effect

6 Feb

I’ve been pondering the meaning of life of late. There was no way that this experience wasn’t going to have a profound effect on my world view. But I still am not sure what it is. Not having any organised religion to fall back on and only the vaguest sense that there must be ‘something’ after we die, has left me with lots of questions. The biggest of all is Where is she? I cannot fathom how she could possibly just be gone. No more. Ended. Over. How can Tilda suddenly not be? Most of me believes that she lives on in one way or another, as part of our universe, in a way that is impossible to understand or know in this lifetime. Perhaps her soul has been reincarnated. I like to think that and perhaps one day I will get to meet this reincarnation and feel a little of what it was to have Tilda in my life. Perhaps she has become a star, a tree, a droplet of water in a river. I don’t know.

What I do know though is the profound effect in the here and now. The Tilda Effect, as one lovely dear friend put it. Many people have been kind and thoughtful enough to write to me and share how Tilda and her story has changed their lives. How she has added meaning, how they think of her and her smile and her strength. How knowing her gave such joy, how even not knowing her had an effect.

The Tilda Effect is to me, a comfort and a balm. Her effect on me is so hugely enormous that I cannot even begin to try and comprehend it all. To love and to be loved. She taught me what matters. She opened the doorway to show the kindness and compassion of the people in our world. She made me into a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better person. She taught me pain and heartbreak – part and parcel of the human experience.

I do not forgive Batten disease. I do not believe that she needed to go through any of it so that I could learn a profound lesson. I am still angry and sad and missing her every  minute. But The Tilda Effect, my balm, soothes some of my aching heart.

The last photo capturing that beautiful smile.

The last photo capturing that beautiful smile.


9 Responses to “The Tilda Effect”

  1. Juliet Flesch February 7, 2014 at 7:46 am #

    Tilda lives on through you and Simon, your families and all who knew and loved her. We have all been changed in some way, not least by witnessing the gallanttry with which Tilda and you faced the unspeakable, unjust and undeserved scourge of Battens,

  2. Scott Curtis February 7, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    lovely post as always…

  3. Cally February 7, 2014 at 2:55 pm #

    Loved the photo of Tilda and loved your post.
    Yes the Tilda effect is mysterious and has echoes in our minds and souls.
    Tilda lived and united many people.
    Despite Battens being a vile, cruel illness- Tilda stayed her gorgeous self
    Take care dear friend.
    Much love Cally xx

  4. Jennifer Medley February 7, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

    Beautiful, as always. XOXO

  5. Maria Munro (friend of Marg Dowling's) February 9, 2014 at 6:32 pm #

    I wish you and your family all the very best for 2014. If Tilda is a star, every time you look up in the sky, she will be there for you. That seems like a lovely way to remember how bright and shiny she was.

  6. Ruth February 10, 2014 at 9:10 pm #

    Absolutely Laurs. After losing my dad at 11 & not being a religious person it was all a bit confronting. However I found peace knowing that spirits live on.
    You can experience the essence of your lost loved ones, whether it be in a really beautiful sunny day, a lovely encounter with an animal out of nowhere or a far away memory, random thought or odd occurrence during the day that makes you think “what a funny universe”.
    Or most importantly when Maggie is laughing or speaking gibberish to no one….that’s when you know Tilda is right there with you xxx

  7. Wendy Brown February 11, 2014 at 9:13 am #

    What a beautiful reflection on the essence of Tilda and the profound effect she has had on all who have known her. There is much in this world that we do not understand.
    The photograph says it all. She will always be in our hearts.

    x Wendy

  8. JessB (Kate's friend) February 18, 2014 at 9:53 pm #

    Laura, I just wanted to let you know that saw some sparkly shoes in a store window today, and thought of Tilda and all of you with a smile.
    Sending you all love.


  1. Outside the bubble | teamtilda - June 22, 2015

    […] harsher and tainted with sadness. Politics seems meaner. Closer to home, the faded bubble sees The Tilda effect which once seemed so powerful, having worn off for some. Arguments allowed to fester, a focus on […]

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