A big wave

30 Jan

I am experiencing a big wave of sadness today. It has been two months. And school starts. At almost exactly this time of writing, I should be putting Tilda on the bus and sending her off for a day of fun and cuddles.

But if we are going to go down that path then actually she should be starting Grade 1, full of excitement for a new year, surrounded by friends, chattering to me about her day and running and jumping and playing and all of those other things that fucking Batten disease took away from her.

I miss all the Tilda’s.

It’s hard to be sad around Maggie. Not just because she is so cheery and delightful that you can’t help but smile. But also because I don’t want her to see me sad. I know it’s ok to show emotion around her but she doesn’t understand at the moment. There is time for that later.

Maggie is sleeping at the moment and I am taking the opportunity to indulge my sadness. Anger. Pain. Ache. I watch videos and cry.

I am still ok but today hurts.

Tilda in New Zealand, age approximately the same as Maggie now.

Tilda in New Zealand, age approximately the same as Maggie now.


15 Responses to “A big wave”

  1. Jac January 30, 2014 at 10:36 am #

    Weeping with you. Sending big love.


  2. Melissa January 30, 2014 at 10:38 am #

    Sending you a hug. Xx

  3. Lou January 30, 2014 at 10:40 am #

    Much love to you Laura and big hugs too xx

  4. kyliesmith318 January 30, 2014 at 10:40 am #

    So sad she wasn’t with the boys this morning. How I would love to walk to school with the three of them. But we’ve been sad about that for two years (as your last post’s comments).

  5. Laurie January 30, 2014 at 10:46 am #

    Love to you.

  6. Hilary January 30, 2014 at 10:57 am #

    My heart is with you. Big wave, big love.

  7. Daryl January 30, 2014 at 11:17 am #

    Its ok to be ok Laura but its also ok to allow yourself the time and space to feel and visit the depths of your grief. Two months is not a long time.. Thinking of you especially today but many many other days as well…….Love Daryl

  8. Emma Dodd January 30, 2014 at 11:27 am #

    Sending you lots of love always darlin Laura. Keep all those happy memories flowing and thank you for sharing them with us. Big hugs. Xoxo

  9. Irene January 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm #

    It is okay to be okay Laura and okay to feel how you do though I know that doesnt make it any easier for you or for Simon. Luv Ya Lots

  10. Juliet January 30, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

    Thinking of you all. I am so glad that Maggie is there to comfort you, just as you can comfort her. Eventually she will also know how much joy she brought just by existing . All my love

  11. Sarah January 30, 2014 at 3:29 pm #

    Thinking of you always xx

  12. jackie January 30, 2014 at 7:05 pm #

    sending lots of hugs your way today xx

  13. Debra Fairfield February 4, 2014 at 7:41 am #

    Sending you our love across the miles Laura xx

  14. Cally February 5, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

    Dear Laura,
    K. Gibran said the things that give us the greatest happiness hold the kernel for the greatest sadness. To be sad for Tilda is to miss her loveliness.
    Thank you for being authentic about your feelings.
    I just wish I knew what to say.
    Thank God for gorgeous Maggie.
    Give her a magic hug from me.
    Love Cally xx

  15. JessB (Kate's friend) February 5, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

    Oh, I just love that photo of beautiful Tilda! Sending you all such love, love, love, and thinking of you all often. You are all in my prayers.

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