We are ok

28 Jan

Thank you for asking and for the continuing messages of love and support.

Today I am feeling very grateful to Emily Eaton for her blog – Creating New Normal. She writes about her grief experience after losing her 4 year old son to leukaemia, only 15 days after diagnosis. What is wonderful about this blog is how it recognises that grief is different for everyone and more than that, it is ok to feel ok.

For the past little while, I have been struggling with the idea that perhaps I am not grieving as I ought. Perhaps I am still in denial. Surely, if I loved Matilda, I would be falling apart without her. But I haven’t fallen apart, I have carried on. I have days and moments where I am happy. And that left me feeling like I was doing this all wrong.

I had discovered Emily’s blog early on in Tilda’s diagnosis – when I googled How to Plan a Child’s Funeral. I read her determination to seek happiness and joy in her life even after such a devastating loss and I was comforted that perhaps I could be the same. It has taken me until now to go back and re-read and I am so glad I did.

This post made me nod along and thank god that someone else had been feeling this and had written it down. The fact that we are also nearing our 2 month anniversary is no coincidence I think.

The good news is that for most of us, grief is not overwhelming or unending. As frightening as the pain of loss can be, most of us are resilient.We may be shocked, even wounded, by a loss, but we still manage to regain our equilibrium and move on. That there is anguish and sadness during bereavement cannot be denied. But there is much more. Above all, it is a human experience. It is something we are wired for, and it is certainly not meant to overwhelm us.

It is a relief to me to know that it is ok that I am feeling ok.

I miss her. I think about her almost constantly. My intense moments of grief are still happening. I wish she was here. But I carry on. And I carry her with me. Her resilience powers my own.

Smiling, gorgeous Tilda

Smiling, gorgeous Tilda

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5 Responses to “We are ok”

  1. FiFi January 28, 2014 at 2:43 pm #

    xoxoxox

  2. Rick Loos January 28, 2014 at 3:39 pm #

    From my distant and very safe vantage point, I have seen you grieve for a long time now Laura. You have been grieving since you got the Batten diagnosis. You have grieved every little part of Tilda that was progressively taken away by the horrible disease. By the time you have profoundly and beautifully written about each loss in your blog, I suspect you have gone some way to grieve each loss and incorporate that part of Tilda’s spirit safely within you. I know that Tilda’s spirit will be forcing you to be as happy as you can for gorgeous Maggie.

    This is poorly written but don’t judge your grief on the past two months… your loss is different to a sudden loss…. you’ve had to grieve for years now.

    My thoughts are always with you xo

    • teamtilda January 28, 2014 at 8:01 pm #

      Thank you so much Rick for your lovely and very beautifully written words. You are absolutely right, we have been grieving for many years already and I guess this part of the journey is yet another step.
      Much love to you and your family. I shall bring the smiling baby in for a visit soon. Xoxoxox

  3. Cally January 28, 2014 at 8:35 pm #

    Dear Laura- it was good to hear from you. I had wondered how you were all going.
    Time is needed. It takes a minimum of 12 months for grief to go through the cycle until some softening. But a birthdays or special event may act as a trigger for a replay of the sadness.
    I wish you laughter again. And some measure of peace. xx

  4. Juliet January 29, 2014 at 10:12 am #

    Grieving is a process, not an event, and however you do it is right for you. The overwhelming moments will be unexpected and unpredictable, always.You’ll never lose Tilda and the fact that she knew you loved her. All my love to all of you.

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