I am experiencing a big wave of sadness today. It has been two months. And school starts. At almost exactly this time of writing, I should be putting Tilda on the bus and sending her off for a day of fun and cuddles.
But if we are going to go down that path then actually she should be starting Grade 1, full of excitement for a new year, surrounded by friends, chattering to me about her day and running and jumping and playing and all of those other things that fucking Batten disease took away from her.
I miss all the Tilda’s.
It’s hard to be sad around Maggie. Not just because she is so cheery and delightful that you can’t help but smile. But also because I don’t want her to see me sad. I know it’s ok to show emotion around her but she doesn’t understand at the moment. There is time for that later.
Maggie is sleeping at the moment and I am taking the opportunity to indulge my sadness. Anger. Pain. Ache. I watch videos and cry.
I am still ok but today hurts.