There are no words

13 Dec

I have heard this and used it myself so many times over the last few weeks. How to put into words the sadness, the helplessness, the immeasurable loss that has happened. Somehow though, so many have been able to. We have received so many beautiful and heartfelt letters, messages and emails, I cannot even begin to thank those who sent them. They have meant so very much. It also meant so much to have so many there last Monday to support and join us in our celebration of our beautiful girl. Thank you so much especially to those who spoke. I know that my father’s words will stay with me for a long time. 

It was beautiful and terrible all at once. It amazed me how intense the grief could be one minute followed by uproarious laughter as we recalled a ‘Matilda moment’. Thank you to Greenhaven and to Wonderland Fun Park for making such a heart wrenching occasion one to be proud of and one to remember.

The service was filmed and if there is anyone who wishes to view it, please send me an email – laurasmith67@gmail.com and I will send you the link and the password.

Simon, Maggie and I have spent the last week down at the beach trying to make sense of our new world. At times, it is totally fine. Other times, the sadness takes my breath away. How can she not be here anymore? I have such random thoughts and feelings. Some moments, I am intensely angry. After living day to day and moment to moment for so long, I look back over the last few years and the thought that runs through my head is What the Fuck? How could this have happened? This disease is so unbearable. It will take your healthy 3 year old and it will take away her ability to walk and talk and eat and play and then it will take her completely.  I am so angry that this disease is not even on anyone’s radar. How can such devastation continue?

Other moments, I am so intensely sad. It is an overwhelming feeling when it strikes. Moments from the last few weeks come into my head, memories surge into consciousness. Sometimes, it is a realisation. For the last few years, we have been unable to go to the back beach because of the steps, it was not possible with Tilda. Taking Maggie down those steps and on to the beach for the first time brought forth a whole host of different feelings. Happiness as I watched Maggie enjoy the rock pools, tremendous sadness that Tilda wasn’t there too, guilt that we were able to enjoy such a moment.

The realisation that there are no more hospital appointments, no more medicine, no more feeds. Ever since the day we were told that Tilda had a fatal disease, there were two questions that hung over our heads – When? and How? These have been answered.

And I am left with I don’t know what. How do I not be Laura Smith, Matilda Berger’s mum anymore?

The beach has provided such a safe haven for all these emotions and more. We have had some time alone and time with friends and family. I don’t expect this to get easier any time soon. But there is also a myth surrounding grieving mothers. One  I thought I might subscribe to – the loss of a child is so unthinkable and such a fear that most people believe that if it happened to them, they would just die.

I haven’t died. And I will not. The sadness is a part of life but there will be happiness too. Our Maggie, who turns 1 today, makes us very happy. Our friends and our families who continue to support us, make us laugh, feed us – they even cleaned our house while we were away, they make us happy.  And memories of Tilda. Baby Tilda, toddler Tilda, laughing Tilda, happy Tilda. These make me very happy.

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18 Responses to “There are no words”

  1. Liz December 19, 2013 at 8:06 am #

    What the fuck, indeed.
    I would love the link, Laura.
    Happy Birthday, Maggie.

  2. Juliet December 19, 2013 at 8:42 am #

    No, you won’t just die. We have all seen that you’re far too brave and strong for that!
    Happy birthday Maggie!!! How wonderful that she will have such a fine record of the big sister she knew for so short a time. All by love to you all.

  3. Daryl Linnane December 19, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    I too would love the link please Laura.

    And there are still no words……..they simply do not do justice to your loss, your grief and sadness, your understandable anger and despair, your “lighter” moments and so, so much more……. I think of you all – and that means Tilda too – often and am sure your amazing courage and determination will help you now and in the future.
    .

    Happy Birthday to Maggie…………..love Daryl .

  4. Jennifer Medley December 19, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

    Thanks for sharing, Laura. My heart breaks with you. Beautiful video.
    XO Jennifer

  5. JessB December 19, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    Happy birthday Miss Maggie! And so much love for Tilda. I think it’s another way that love is the best, it endures through almost anything, including separation or absence. Just because we can’t see Tilda anymore, I truly believe she is not gone.

    All the best to you Laura, and to Simon and Maggie and everyone who loves Tilda.

    • JessB (Kate's friend) December 19, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

      Just to clarify, obviously it’s not the best that Tilda isn’t here any more – that bit is shit. Completely.

      But, oh how she was – is – loved!

  6. Scott Curtis December 19, 2013 at 2:55 pm #

    Oh gosh, you’re right, there are no words. My heart goes out to you.

    Happy birthday, Maggie.

  7. Katrina Varcoe-Cocks December 19, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    Hi Laura, You’ll always be Matilda Bergers mum, and so much more. Lots of love

  8. Kylie December 19, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this wonderful video! Full of love. I’ve been reading along via pip and pop kids and am so sorry for the heart ache you are feeling. Tilda was so obviously adored and I know that giggle will be forever in your hearts. Thoughts are with you x

  9. Adam, .Chez & Jack December 19, 2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Hope the week away has done you all well. The feeling of pain will slowly ease and the love for Matilda will continue to grow. Miss the little lady so much.
    Can’t wait to see Maggie on Saturday, happy birthday to Magaggie!

  10. Laurie December 20, 2013 at 8:31 am #

    There are no words, but lots of love. Your family is on my mind daily.

  11. Irene December 20, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

    Dear Laura, Simon and Maggie (happy 1st birthday) thank you for allowing us, all of us be a part of your family and journey. Even though I never met you matilda, thank you for also allowing us into your life, you are much loved by your family, extended family and friends. To Laura who I know through work I am sending you special hugs OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  12. Cally December 22, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    Sending warm hugs for remembrance of delicious Tilda -who will live on in our minds and hearts. Maggie – happy birthday- each day is so special. xx

  13. Di White December 24, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

    Dearest Laura and Simon. I hope with all my heart that you have some peace of mind in 2014. Your loss will never diminish, but hopefully time will allow you to face each day without such overwhelming sadness. With love to you both and Maggie. Di

  14. JessB (Kate's friend) December 26, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    Laura, Simon and Maggie, I’m thinking of you all today, and you were in my heart yesterday, too. God bless you all, and Tilda too, always.

  15. Susana Gonzalez December 28, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    What a beautiful video Laura, thanks for sharing it. As you said, there are no words but at least Maggie brings you happiness. All our love

  16. Nicole December 30, 2013 at 2:46 am #

    As you say – words just aren’t enough, but your words bring tears of sadness, joy and amazement to my eyes. Your blogs have helped me to get to know you in a way I never would have before, and helped me to understand my best friend a lot better too. Please know that my thoughts, my love, my everything is with you guys right now – from one who is only known as a friend of your brother, let me say: we are ALL thinking of you.
    And once again – you never cease to amaze me, with the way you convey your thoughts, anyone would think you were the most together woman on the planet, and maybe you are. 😉
    Sending love and all the things that I know are futile at the moment, sincerely always, Nicole.xx

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Wonderland | teamtilda - October 2, 2016

    […] Last Wednesday, a friend and I took our small ones to the ice rink. It’s something we had been planning for a while and Maggie was beyond excited (her love of the movie Inside Out and Frozen has sparked a bit of an ice skating love affair). Although I knew where the ice rink was, I didn’t quite make the connection. As I drove up to the rink, I realised I was driving right past what was Wonderland Fun Park. What is now a demolition site. Wonderland was the site of Matilda’s Magical Wish Day and of course, it was where we said our final farewells. […]

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