I’m tired

19 Mar

I’m very tired. Maggie and Matilda have been tag team waking in the night with varying degrees of ease in being able to get them back to sleep. It can be hourly. And my once easy Maggie has become whingey and hard to settle during the day as well. My mantra of This Too Shall Pass is helping as is coffee and diet cokes but lack of sleep leads very much to despondency. Cuddling Tilda in the night to try and get her back to sleep is both lovely and frustrating. Lovely to be able to hold her but frustrating when it doesn’t seem to help. Oh, to have a child that can tell me what the matter is.

This is it isn’t it? The gritty, real bits of being a parent. It isn’t all about overwhelming love. Sometimes I find both my children very irritating. In Matilda’s case, it pains me to admit that. And fills me with even more than the average mother guilt. I’m not supposed to to get annoyed with her because she is so sick. And in the next couple of years, I am going to lose her completely and wish with all my heart that I could have her back, wish that she could be here just to annoy me. But I am also just a human and can only deal with the now. And at 3 in the morning, when I have just fed Maggie and I hear her stir and start to make noises, I am annoyed.

There is a sound that she makes that drives me crazy. It is a moaning whine and although it can be a happy noise, it is not always entirely clear. It is unbearably frustrating to not know what is wrong, to not even know whether there is anything wrong and to not know how to help. Helplessly annoyed and frustrated. I feel wretched that I can get annoyed with her making this noise as I am well aware that it is impossible for her to make any other. But annoyed I am.

The only way is to get a bit zen. Breathing in and out. Remaining calm. When all else fails, as it did one night down in Anglesea, I had to leave the room and go outside and look at the stars. Breathe.

There is something about the middle of the night that magnifies everything. Things seem dire in the a.m. and I have found myself in tears on occasion. But come the morning, things always seem better. Tilda laughs at Dora and Maggie gives me one of her beaming smiles. I have places to go and people to visit and my days pass pleasantly for the most part. I don’t want to start dreading the night but I can see that looming.

I have realised that the respite I once deemed unnecessary might now need to come into play. A night with only one child waking would be pretty amazing and if I can express so that Simon can do the night feeds, I may even get a full nights sleep. The Holy Grail for all parents. And so I will be contacting Very Special Kids and seeing when they can fit Matilda in for a night or two. And I will dismiss my useless feelings of guilt because I do know that is exactly what they are. Useless.

As for coping with Maggie, I do what most parents of small babies do and that is whatever works. Currently, she seems to want to be held or on the move. So we walk in the pram, go for a drive or I sit and hold her. And when she cries, I try and remember that This Too Shall Pass.

A Jack update – he continues to fight hard but has had to increase and change some medications to combat the increasing breakthrough seizures. He and Nicole remain at Very Special Kids to receive the necessary care and we try and visit as often as we can.

Apart from the night waking, Tilda continues to do well. She is still tolerating her increase in feeds and reports from school are glowing and positive.

oxxo

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8 Responses to “I’m tired”

  1. Lou March 19, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

    You are an absolutely amazing Mum to both your beautiful girls xx

  2. Ann Falster March 19, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    Hi Laura,

    I am always amazed at your love and tenacity, and how it manages to help you through the “harder” days. Being tired doesn’t make things easy to handle.

    I mentioned to your Mum the other day about Steve Waugh’s Foundation. It helps children with rare diseases. The link to the website is : http://www.stevewaughfoundation.com.au/
    Hopefully you qualify for their support.

    Love to all
    Ann

  3. Jo Weller March 19, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

    Oh Darling Laura,
    j woke on the hour for eight or more months, but he was only one. You are amazing! I hope Maggie gets through her leaps and settles back into cruisey mode. So pleased to hear Tilda is doing well at school. I am determined to get my licence in April, and will come and visit. Or we’ll plan a southside dare. Must be your birthday soon too. Huge hugs and fingers crossed for settled slumbers xxx

  4. Jennifer Medley March 19, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

    Laura,
    I am so glad that I found your blog. I love your writing. You do a great job with your girls and you can only do so much before you need a well deserved break. You are so fortunate to have a place like VSK. Enjoy the respite, and Tilda will be happy and in good hands, I am sure. Give her hugs from Jake.
    xo Jen

  5. Anne Bunting March 20, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Laura you have every reason to be tired and feel frustrated and every other emotion known to parents- don’t feel guilty and take advantage of any respite you can get at least until Maggie becomes settled again. Hope you can get at least one full nights sleep. love always Anne

  6. jackie March 20, 2013 at 7:36 am #

    You are an amazing mum and person and yes you are only human but you are dealing with so much more than your average mum! when you are in the moment its hard to look at the positives because you are so physically and emotionally drained. A bottle of yering red always did it for me! Always thinking of you, Simon, Tilda and Maggie and Jack and his family are in our thoughts! So much heartbreak, its just not fair! Lots of love xx

  7. Kat Varcoe-Cocks March 22, 2013 at 3:15 am #

    Hey Laura, bigs hugs. You know I struggle with ‘normal’ mummy guilt and you have the ‘on steroids with a red bull version’. Thinking of you, enjoy the stars as often as you can!! Look forward to catching up soon. Treen xx

  8. Ruth Willis March 22, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

    You are an amazing mother! Don’t you ever, ever, EVER feel guilty for being annoyed or frustrated!!
    Much love xo

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